THE COMPLETE DARK SHADOWS INSTRUCTION BOOK

Contributors: Martin Davenport, Judy Phillips, Teri Darcy, Jane Harris, Cathy Vocke, Liz McGillicuddy, Alane Megna

1. If things go wrong, get sedated.
2. If you come across a severed head in a box, leave it alone.
3. If you come across a severed hand in a box, leave it alone.
4. If you come across ANY severed body parts in a box, leave it alone.
5. Old houses are lovely in candlelight.
6. Listening to music, either from a music box or on a Victrola, is a great way to pass the time.
7. Be wary of "men of the cloth" who have widows peaks.
8. Watch out for people who have extra bricks and mortar in their basements.
9. A coffin is an excellent place to sleep during the day.
10. Try hard not to look your age.
11. People who say they are from England are usually full of surprises.
12. Know your incestors, I mean ancestors.
13. Stay up late, a lot of interesting things happen around 2:30 am.
14. Werewolves tend to be short, no one knows why.
15. If you want someone to feel guilty just say, "You betrayed me!"
16. Don't date anyone named "Buzz".
17. Keep livestock; roosters can be found on some of the finest estates.
18. Double-breasted suits NEVER go out of style.
19. Never use the doorbell, a knock is much more personal.
20. Have a portrait painted of yourself.
21. Support local artists, spiritualists, and antique dealers.
22. Every now and then take a parallel lane in traffic.
23. Watch out while driving by cemeteries, you never know what will pop out of them.
24. Never anger anyone named Angelique, Jeb, or Nicholas.
25. Find the type of significant other you want and stick to that type.
26. Love is eternal
27. Obsession is not a dirty word.
28. Be careful near cliffs.
29. Keep secrets.
30. Be curious.
31. The Blue Whale is a great nightspot, in fact it's the only place to go!
32. Modern conveniences are just that, convenient. They are not necessities.
33. Dreams tell us what we need to know. Listen to them.
34. Don't let anyone named Laura play with matches.
35. Some boxes are better left unopened.
36. Gypsies can be loyal servants.
37. Memory loss can be a good thing.
38. The practice of medicine is just that, PRACTICE.
39. If you marry a woman named Laura, prepare to get burned!
40. 1966 was a l-o-n-g year.
41. Blood IS thicker than water.
42. People tend to regret curses they put on others.
43. There are secret messages in classical music.
44. Eccentric is good.
45. Cats are unpredictable.
46. Don't go snooping in other people's basements.
47. Plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize.
48. When in doubt, look wistful.
49. Not every story has an ending.
50. Unique hairstyles can be sexy.
51. Screaming every now or then helps release pent-up emotions.
52. Running home from school is good exercise.
53. Some of the nicest people are cursed.
54. Think with your heart, not with your head.
55. You can't cheat fate.
56. Wear a heavy coat in all kinds of weather.
57. Carry a cane even if you don't need one.
58. Buy anything with Dark Shadows in the title, it is worth it.
59. Go into the shipping business.
60. Quit your job and write a history book.
61. Teach your children at home. It improves their imaginations.
62. Live in a house that is too big for you.
63. Every now and then a trip to Boston is nice.
64. Fall in love with the past.
65. Take a walk in the woods.
66. Take a walk in the cemetery.
67. Don't marry your nephew's fiancée, he won't like it.
68. If you are going to hit your spouse with a poker, make sure you did the job right.
69. Fall in love quickly and often.
70. Every house should have a secret passageway.
71. Know how to draw a pentagram.
72. Trust the children.
73. You meet the most interesting people when you are possessed.
74. "London Bridge is Falling Down" can get annoying.
75. When you hear heavy breathing coming from a closed room, don't open the door.
76. If you'd really rather not be disturbed, consider being buried without a gravestone so no one can find you.
77. If your new wife's hair seems a bit too black for her light complexion and blue eyes, be suspicious.
78. Save money by buying only one telephone, and moving it around from place to place in your house.
79. Try not to marry your grandmother.
80. Keep the fires burning in your fireplaces, always.
81. If you find yourself stricken with lycanthropy, put money aside each week to buy new shirts.
82. Young girls should aspire to be governess: it's a fun job.
83. Drink lots of sherry.
84. Wear mini skirts no matter what.
85. Know ALL the secret passageways in your house.
86. Don't teach your illiterate servants to read and write.
87. Snow is merely a figment of people's imaginations.
88. When approached by a dead person, it is polite to tell them that they are dead.
89. Avoid Martinique at all costs.
90. Pick one favorite song and never listen to anything else.
91. Pay no attention to the hour of the day, it does not matter.
92. Every house should have a drawing room.
93. Practice talking loudly so you can be heard over thunderstorms.
94. The uglier the personality, the better looking the man.
95. When you're being controlled by someone with supernatural powers, it is not necessary for you to understand.
96. Learn how to quickly fashion a stake from a piece of wood.
97. Love is better when the person you're in love with doesn't want you.
98. Refer to even your most distant relatives as "cousins."
99. All werewolves look alike.
100. Women doctors are better -- they stay alive longer.
101. If you are telling the truth, nobody will believe you, at least not for several weeks.
102. "London Bridge" is even more annoying when accompanied by ball tossing.
103. A handy talent is knowing how to hold a séance.
104. A handy talent is knowing how to hypnotize someone.
105. You'll always know when you're about to start dreaming because your vision will get wavy.
106. Beware of anyone who wants to tell you the bad dream they had last night.
107. Pointy hair attracts women.
108. Mutton chops attract women.
109. Music boxes are a great way to attract women.
110. Mischievous boys who forget their lines attract girls, but they won't admit it.
111. Miniskirts attract men.
112. Having your own laboratory in your basement won't necessarily attract men.
113. If you have your own lab in the basement, always keep it stocked with plenty of dry ice and colored water.
114. If you're about to be hung for witchcraft, switch places with someone.
115. Always know how to exit a secret room before you go in.
116. Keep some extra voodoo dolls around for those special emergencies.
117. Pass up any opportunities to attend the Shaw/Drummond School of Assertiveness Training.
118. Always remember that vampirism is not a disease; vampires are THE LIVING DEAD!
119. Capes never go out of style.
120. Practice fainting gracefully. It may come in handy.
121. Practice fainting gracefully in a mini-skirt. It may come in handy.
122. It's not neighborly to lock the front door, even at night.
123. Be careful when tumbling down the stairs. You may loosen the bannister.
124. Be careful when slamming doors. You may loosen the walls.
125. Candles and cigarette lighters are unreliable and unpredictable
126. The best hiding place in the house is behind the drapes
127. Twins always have problems
128. If you've got nothing to do, hang around the servants quarters
129. Keep a Farmers Almanac handy in case your gypsy ever clams up on you
130. When you wake up from a bad dream, scream loud, and long
131. When you need help from the police, deal only with the sheriff and no one else
132. Have a car, but don't flaunt it
133. If a little girl starts seeing stars on people's faces, keep an eye on her brother
134. Fear can kill you
135. Don't bother with an umbrella, you'll never get wet no matter how much it rains
136. Wine glasses of the highest quality bounce when thrown against a wall or fireplace
137. Completely ignore Christmas and all other holidays
138. If one (or more) of the wings of your house is deserted/locked up, there is a reason for it
139. Do not try to stake vampire at sunset
140. If your loved one travels in time, follow. He/she WILL get in trouble without you
141. ALWAYS believe the tarot cards
142. Any child living at Collinwood will be possessed at least once
143. Do not bother consulting the family history. The information you need will be wrong or missing
144. Do not bother altering the family history. Your descendants will find out anyway
145. If you are not directly descended from Daniel Collins, do not try to have children
146. If someone you know suddenly starts wearing scarves, this is more than a fashion statement
147. You look exactly like several of your ancestors
148. No matter how foolish and debauched your family is, you will never lose the family fortune
149. You will never find out what you want to know at a séance, but you WILL find out something interesting
150. If the candles blow out, curtains billow, and doors blow open, something is going on. Trust me
151. Never leave children unsupervised. Never. I said NEVER
152. A governess does not necessarily constitute supervision
153. Do not hire governesses for their looks. Especially if they look like Josette. (All dark haired young women look like Josette.)
154. There is always a secret panel
155. Any night when there is not a thunderstorm, there will be a full moon
156. Time travel keeps you young
157. Don't be afraid to admit you don't understand
158. If you don't like the way things are going, return to a previous century and fix it
159. Do not climb stairways that lead nowhere
160. If your name is Carolyn, enter a nunnery
161. Never install carpeting; it holds blood stains
162. Never have the right dates put on your gravestone. It keeps everyone guessing
163. There IS something strange going on in this house
164. No matter what people tell you, it is NOT your imagination
165. If your mother wants to take you to a special, wonderful place, make her show you the place on a map before you agree to go
166. If Confucius couldn't master something, you might not want to be messing with it yourself
167. Be careful who you enslave; they may betray you.
168. If someone offers you a drink, insist on pouring it yourself
169. It's a wise man who wears a monocle
170. Jewels can start all kinds of trouble
171. If you possess innocent children and make them give you the burial your family never did, consider the possibility that you may be too tall to fit in a toy chest
172. Surround yourself with the color green
173. Children with stained glass windows in their bedrooms are bound to have emotional problems.
174. If you become a vampire's slave, consider turtlenecks for your attire. They are much more practical than scarves or shawls for hiding those tell-tale fang marks
175. Hone your skills at being able to strike a person mute on a moment's notice. It is a handy talent -- particularly when someone is about to reveal a terrible secret
176. It's impolite to ask a vampire for a mirror
177. In order to avoid any possible embarrassments when you transform from a werewolf back to a human, purchase your pants from the same shop David Banner buys his. They are guaranteed not to rip off, no matter what happens
178. Don't invest in expensive bed linens. For the time you'll spend actually sleeping in the bed, they won't be worth it
179. If you've always dreamed of being a governess, go to Collinwood. The only formal training required for the position is to have waitressed at a diner
180. Have your hearing checked regularly. You'll need that sense acutely tuned in order to successfully eavesdrop through closed drawing room doors
181. Never wonder about the fact that you look exactly like long-dead ancestors but you don't even remotely resemble anyone in your immediate family
182. Learn to appreciate the concept of irony
183. If you hear a squeaky noise at your bedroom window, the odds are that it is not simply a tree branch scraping against the glass
184. Before you marry (especially if the blushing bride's name is Cassandra or Laura), do a little checking into her background. If she can't produce so much as a birth certificate, dental record or even a library card for I.D., you might want to reconsider your wedding plans
185. Hide the family treasure trove well. You never know when you'll need it later in life -- much later in life.

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